Finally Clean On Wattpad!

Here's a preview of the 2nd short story from my Wattpad exclusive book of short stories inspired by songs by popular music artist. Enjoy and click the link below for the full read. Remember to read, vote and share via Wattpad!


 

Short Story #2: Finally Clean

Inspired by: “Clean” by Taylor Swift from the album “1989”

The night is black with the exception of a few street lights that are shining. The air is cool but just enough to cure the breeze with a light hoodie. I can’t believe I’m back at it again. After all of the classes and months of rehab, here I am back at it making late night trips to my dealer.

I walk with my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, making sure I keep my supply safe. It cost me my last bit of money and I wouldn’t want to lose it because it slipped out. My mother worries about me and my father has basically lost hope. They’re good parents and they have sacrificed everything for me yet, I can’t stop my ways.

They’ve put me in every program and spent countless dollars on my recovery but I can’t seem to stick to the straight and narrow road. I want to get better but for some reason I can’t. I’ve tried my best but my best hasn’t been good enough.

I grew up with the best education and my parents did all they could for me but nothing was ever enough to keep me clean. I think I was wired this way.

My car was taken away from me as a precaution so I won’t do things like go on a late night run to my dealer’s house; but not even the lack of transportation could stop me from my urges. I pick up the pace as I walk the distance to my home. It’s a bit of a walk from my dealer’s to my house but to me it’s worth it.

I’m a few blocks away from my house when I hear sirens coming up from behind me. Oh no! I can’t afford to get caught again. I turn around as I continue walking in the middle of the street to see a police vehicle heading straight toward me. Strangest thing, they don’t seem to slow down. As the car gets closer I quickly jump over to the side walk. The patrol car races past me, never even acknowledging that it almost ran me over.

“Prick!” I yell out in anger even though I know the car is long gone and the driving officer couldn’t possibly hear me.

Who does that? I think to myself as I continue on my walk home. A few seconds later I hear more sirens. I stop walking to see what’s happening as a firetruck, more cop cars and an ambulance pass me by. Something terrible must be happening nearby. Maybe a fire or something. The good news is that they’ll all be too busy worrying about the current crisis that I won’t stick out like a sore thumb on a school night.

 

Finally Clean
-S. Elle Cameron

Let's Get Clean

As most of the world, I've been listening to Taylor Swift's new album, 1989 for the past week and I've chosen a favorite song, Clean. The lyrics itself are cutting and the music just makes it straight mesmerizing. I know she's talking about getting clean from the mess of a past relationship but I couldn't help but compare it to life and past disappointments. The only issue is that I'm not even close to getting clean but I would like to.

The lyrics, "Rain came pouring down/When I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe." I feel like I need to drown so I can learn to breathe again. That's when I start to wonder how many other people actually feel that way too. Life has a way of stealing your dreams, doesn't it?

Suffering rejection after rejection and loss after loss, you start t lose it all and feel lost yourself. It's like a punch in the chest every time I hear Taylor sing, "Hung my head as I lost the war/And the sky turned black like a perfect storm." I just love the way her voice cracks towards the end of her statement. Speaking of getting punched in the chest, the other stand out line in this track is, "The water filled my lungs/I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing." I can't even remember all the times that happened within the past few months.

You know that feeling when it seems like you have no more options left and you're unsure what else to do because everything you've ever learned or know no longer works with your current situation? You would give almost anything for a fresh start and to learn how to do it all again but the only problem is you don't know where to start or how. One thing I definitely agree with Taylor on is when she says, "The drought was the very worst." Yes, it is.

She follows that line with, "...When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst." Again, this is meant to be aimed towards a failed relationship but how many of you feel like you've spent so much time growing flowers, better yet an entire garden only to see it all die of thirst before your eyes? I think I'll be the first one to raise my hand for that one.

The song has a sad and hopeless feel to it yet there's a sound of freedom that comes through strong. It's a song about broken freedom yet being completely whole in your brokenness. Maybe that's what true freedom looks like: a little broken, a little hopeful, and a tad bit hopeless yet everything is perfectly fine. I'm guessing Taylor didn't actually mean that she could finally breathe while she was drowning but she woke up and realized things she never noticed before. Maybe drowning can be a good thing after all.

Finding Yourself:Theme From RED

"I somehow managed to play the protagonist and the antagonist in this story"-Peyton Hayley Giordano (RED)

Last week I wrote about starting over after you already made those messy mistakes, dropped your ego and learned to forgive yourself and others. This week I want to talk about another major theme from RED: finding yourself. 

When you focus on starting over you have to also focus on finding yourself. After being dragged through the mud and experiencing disappointment after disappointment, you have to hit the restart button. Restarting also means that things are going to have to change. In the process of us being dragged by our hair while our face scraps against the cement we become someone different. We just have to find out who this person is. 

Finding yourself is critical in the process of starting over. If we don't gain a clear vision of who we are we'll just falter into another mess (and who wants that?). Not knowing who you are usually results in you falling for anything. Knowing who you are (and who you used to be) will help you stand firm in your beliefs, values, and follow the path ahead of you will little slip ups. 

In RED, Peyton is on a journey to find out who she is after never getting the chance to truly know her parents. All she has is her mother's journals and writings she kept on a flash drive to refer to. Her dad never got the chance to even know she was going to exist and her mom ended it all before she could even develop a memory. Most of us get the chance to learn who we are by reflecting back on how our parents were/are. Peyton never got that chance which makes her journey both difficult and interesting. She finds herself making many of her parents' mistakes but it's harder for her to deal with them because she has no idea her parents already went through it all. 

Peyton begins to find herself when she sees herself where she is. The quote above is her reflecting on her past behavior and mistakes after it all blows up in her face. This should sound familiar to most of us. We tend to find ourselves while we're attempting to start over after something blew up in our faces. It's almost like the wreck and disaster is what we needed to see clearly. While we're under water we finally make the decision to breathe. Peyton is no different. 

If you're currently in a situation that seems impossible, almost like you're drowning, I dare you to breathe. Open your lungs and learn something new; how to start over and find yourself in the process. Figure out what you learned and become the person you always wanted to be. Live like you're the person you want to be and soon you won't be acting anymore. We all make mistakes, we all have to learn when to drop our egos, we have to forgive ourselves along with others, we have to start over, and we have to find ourselves all over again. While you're becoming someone new you're going to get a lot of hate and judgment thrown at you but who cares? Well...judgment...that sounds like something I could talk about next week, doesn't it? Until then, keep on looking....

In the meantime listen to a song about finding yourself:

 

 

Getting Clean...

I slipped up again...and I thought I was clean

It's not an addiction, it's just a dirty habit

It keeps me holding on night after night

Because if you give up, you get what you get

So I use it to feel, but I swear I'm clean...

It's not an addiction, it's just something I do

I love to go numb because it's better than the sting 

I like to pretend everything's not crumbling around me
And I tell myself to hold on to see what else life can bring
Then I think to myself "what's the point in being clean?"

It's the feeling that I don't want to be here anymore
But all I really want is to be here
Maybe I can take it if I bite down hard
Gnashing my teeth sort of takes the pain away
But then it comes back when I relax my jaw

Now my nails are scratching the board and holding on for dear life

And I just realized this poem doesn't have any form
But I guess it doesn't matter because no one will read it anyway
It's not like they'll get it even if they do
So now I'm rambling and no one's listening
So I slip up again...so much for getting clean...

I swear I'm still sane...
I promise I'm still good...