Life (OctPoWriMo2015-Day 31)

Life is a journey

Take it one day at a time

I hate cliches 

But I guess it's true

We can't control everything

And the things we can

We have to learn to let go sometime

Most of life is luck

Very little is hard work

Being at the right place at the right time

Making the right decision

Even though you had no idea it was the "right" one

We punish for things we didn't cause

And celebrate things we don't deserve

But that's life

And it's all we have

Until we're done here

Life is a journey

Enjoy it

Live it

Take it

Cry it

Love it

Too Far Gone

Here is a poem that I written a while ago (probably in 2010). I know I was only 18 when I wrote it. It's written in permanent marker on my bedroom wall (along with many song lyrics and quotes). It's called "Too Far Gone" and at the time I considered it one of the best pieces I've ever written. It's about how people tend to judge our actions but never ask why we reacted the way we did. I always felt like that was one of the most unfair aspects of life. We all have a story and we all are the way we are for a reason. No one decides to wake up in a bad mood and no one turns out the way they are simply because they felt like it. There's more to everyone and I think that people should always remain mindful of that. Basically, it's for anyone who has ever felt misunderstood (which is everyone).

What do you do when you believe

But your faith isn't strong?

When you do the right thing

But it ends up wrong?

I'm walking around this empty space

Leaving pieces of me all over the place

And it's not good enough

No, it's never good enough!

And no one ever stops to get it

Just how painful it is

To be twisted up on the inside

To have nowhere to hide

And you're wrong when your finger's up in the air

But they're right when they judge the unfair

And no one seems to notice

How tragic you really are

And no one seems to really care...

I'm Inspired, I'm Just Broke!

"I am inspired, I'm just broke," that's what a close friend of mine just said to me a few minutes ago and I thought it was nothing short of brilliant! Those words are so simple yet we (as in those entering adulthood and recent college graduates) all can relate. How many of us feel as if we have more dreams than we could ever afford? Doesn't it suck to have a good idea yet no way of executing it? It's almost like life designed you to be a failure by default...and no one wants to be a failure.

I wish I had a way of telling you a way out, but most importantly I wish I could help you instead of just writing this blog. Adulthood is hard. There's no other way to put it...no candy coated way of making reality sound like a dream. It's hard but the most important thing to remember is to not give up. This is even a hard task for me to remind myself of on a daily basis.

They always say it gets better and we have to believe that it actually will or else we're just going to be stuck in the same position. Now again, I wish I could tell you how and when it will get better but I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. Maybe we aren't meant to know when or how because then it wouldn't mean as much to us, now would it? We'll take what the future has planned for us for granted instead of working as hard as we should. But sometimes, doesn't it feel like you would work harder if you only knew some good would come from it? The most important thing to remember is how it happens isn't always up to us but believing it will happen is always our choice.

So the pretty words I've written still means nothing to you...you're still inspired but you're also still broke (trust me, I hear you!). Try to figure a way out. The best advice I could give you is to think of the thing that you would be doing if you had the means of doing it and RUN WITH IT! Do it while you're broke until someone pays you to do it. Buy a "how to" book and check off what you can. Build a name for yourself until everyone is shouting it in cheers. Just do what makes you happy because the world isn't going to wait for you (It's sure not waiting for me! I'll be 23 this July...talk about getting old!). It's a depressing thought but maybe it'll get you to move. Now I'm not telling you to spend your last cent and get evicted but I am telling you to take a chance if things aren't working out the way you planned. If you're depending on someone to hire you but there's no luck yet...HIRE YOURSELF! Keep yourself busy with what you love until you find a job or better yet...you become the boss of someone's job. We have to make a living and let's face it, IT AIN'T EASY!!!!

We're the generation that was handed the crap stick. We're trying to make a living and a name for ourselves while battling a bad economy and overpopulation...two things that just simply do not mix. But there's good news! We're also the generation that aren't afraid to mix things up! We already changed how the world receives their news, interacts with one another, and how products are sold...why not make an empire of ourselves and stop building an empire for other people? They call us a bunch of narcissists because we have to tweet or post anything we feel or do...why not be narcissists who focus on ourselves so much that we become one of the greatest generations in history. Why not be known as the NOW generation? As in we get it done and we demand it our way NOW!

So, in short, I may be broke but I'm rich in inspiration...and that's what's going to make a difference!

To put it in the simplest form, I'll let Bruno Mars explain it to you:

Getting Clean...

I slipped up again...and I thought I was clean

It's not an addiction, it's just a dirty habit

It keeps me holding on night after night

Because if you give up, you get what you get

So I use it to feel, but I swear I'm clean...

It's not an addiction, it's just something I do

I love to go numb because it's better than the sting 

I like to pretend everything's not crumbling around me
And I tell myself to hold on to see what else life can bring
Then I think to myself "what's the point in being clean?"

It's the feeling that I don't want to be here anymore
But all I really want is to be here
Maybe I can take it if I bite down hard
Gnashing my teeth sort of takes the pain away
But then it comes back when I relax my jaw

Now my nails are scratching the board and holding on for dear life

And I just realized this poem doesn't have any form
But I guess it doesn't matter because no one will read it anyway
It's not like they'll get it even if they do
So now I'm rambling and no one's listening
So I slip up again...so much for getting clean...

I swear I'm still sane...
I promise I'm still good...

Escape Route (Any Suggestions?)

"Not quite a victory to run from your problems
But it's the only plan that I got...
It's the only plan that I got"

  

I'm sad. Not about a particular thing or situation...just in general. It's not the kind of sad that will go away because today was a good day, it's the kind of sad that's deep rooted and keeps you fixated in one lonely space. 

Have you ever felt like everyone was moving on while you were stuck to rot in a dark hole all alone? Maybe you do but even if you don't you could imagine how torturous that feels, so therefore, I'm sad and I'm not sure if there's anything that I could do about it.

I'm not writing this to whine or complain, I'm writing it because I'm sure there are others out there that are just as sad but are too afraid to admit it. Too many times we die alone with our emotions eating away at us because we never say anything about it. Maybe if we said something, something will give...or maybe not.

I'm sad because I'm tied down in a place I no longer want to be in. I'm sad because there are countless curve balls being thrown in my direction at the worst times possible. I'm sad because life keeps on moving at a faster rate than I can even comprehend yet time is moving so slowly. I'm sad because all of my friends are gone and are somewhere happy with sunshine and rainbows and I'm six feet underground with the sound of my own screams.

I'm sad because it's snowing and it's winter; because even when the sun is out, it's cold...because today is Monday and the month is February. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sad because today is another day. 

I don't want you to think that I'm ungrateful so I usually never complain but there comes a time when we all need to vent. I guess now I'm looking for an escape route but for some reason I keep coming back full circle. It's like being trapped in an underground dungeon that was made to keep you moving around the same place over and over. When you think you finally see an opening it's just where you started from. 

I'm sad because life is a tease and I've been teased enough in my life. Life's a war and so far I've lost every battle. It's a game where the rules are set up for you lose and I can never be okay with that. I tried this thing called hope...but um...yeah.

So basically I'm sad because no one gets that and everyone are throwing empty solutions in my direction. I'm currently trying to come up with a route that will lead to somewhere but instead I just keep writing because there is nothing else that takes my mind away or allows me to think straight. I'm not sure where to start or who to share any ideas with because I'm alone in this. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way but I'm one of the only to confess it in a very public setting. 

Maybe this entire blog post is useless. Maybe it'll just be like all of the other times where I say I'm sad but no one actually listens or even tries to understand that. Maybe I'll just get over it by ignoring the feeling like I always do. I'm sad and I thought that someone should know that...

"But time has not been kind.
It's not been kind to me.
It's winding backwards."

The Art of Giving Up

"22 is like the worst idea that I've ever had. There's too much pain, it's too much freedom what should I do with this? It's not the way you plan it, but how you make it happen!"

"Encouragement gets old," those are the words that came out of my mouth around 9:50 this morning. Do you want to know why I uttered those pessimistic words? Simply because it's true. If you haven't noticed I'm not in a very encouraging mood today and I honestly haven't been for a while. After Australia, Dubai, and Italy, life came down a lot...more like crashed and burned because fantasy life was over.

I don't want to encourage anyone today, that's what my previous posts are for, instead I want to be honest about how much life sucks and it's more than okay to admit that at times. I've always joked that the title of Paramore's song "For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic" is the best way to describe my personality. I've always been the downer and the "dark" one in the crowd so my recent posts of light shedding is a rare thing. Maybe I was on a vacation high. Maybe something has gotten into me...who knows? All I know now is that twenty two really does feel like the worst idea that I've ever had. 

Life is hard when the high is gone and cloud 9 evaporates into thin air. This is what happened to me in the recent weeks. I knew that life was hard from past experiences but just when it seems to get better, reality hits and it gets worse. Does it ever really get any better or do we just learn how to deal with the pain as time goes by? 

Lately, rejection has been the reason why I feel like I want to give up. I've been getting rejected from almost everything in my life. It's to the point that I'm surprised my dog even still looks at me as a valuable person. Ever get that feeling that you're simply not good enough? Yeah, well, that's been the feeling I've had for a long time. My biggest fear has always been becoming a failure by my own standards and lately my life has been heading in that direction. 

In the beginning, I honestly thought that I would beat the odds but now I'm not so sure. I don't want to be mediocre or average but I'm afraid that's the road I'm driving down. No matter how hard I try it seems like every sign is pointing to the exit that reads "mediocrity". I don't want to live my life struggling to live or make it day by day. I want to be the one who excels and passes by all of the bumps in the road. I want to be special and stand out from the crowd. No matter how much I want to, I can't seem to give up because of my fear of failure. Do you know how exhausting it is to not even be good enough to give up? You may not believe it but giving up is an art.

It takes a lot to give up when you once wanted something so badly. It takes a lot of dedication to never return to the thing you once loved (or still love). First you have to convince yourself that it you don't want it all that much, that it's simply just not worth it. How do you do that when you've only dreamed of success? I never saw myself as anything less than that person I want to be. Then after you convinced yourself, you have to entirely forget about the past you that had a crazy dream that didn't come true. Last, you have to force yourself to become content with your current position in life. In other words, you have to get comfortable where you are in life and it's really hard to get comfortable in a place you don't want to be. I've always heard that it's easy to give up and it's easy to get comfortable but it wasn't until recently that I learned the art of giving up and I'm still not so sure that I'm ready to go there. On the other hand, I don't know how much more rejection I can take.

I had to write on my Twitter page as a reminder to myself that in life you will always hear the word "no" more than "yes" but we must hold on because all we need is one "yes" to get us going. But what happens when you get the feeling that you're just wasting your time and you'll just be another number in the crowd with a story of an old dream that never happened? What do you do when you feel like there's no point in trying for that one "yes". Encouragement gets old and it no longer works. After a while it just sounds like a bunch of cattle manure that those annoying optimist use to hear themselves say something so they can continue feeling important. Like, really, who smiles that much anyway? 

I thought maybe if I wrote something honest that I would feel a lot better. Well, I guess I feel better...just not a lot. The feelings are still there, but the truth is they don't go away that easily. There's not much that anyone can say or do that'll change how I feel. I don't want to be a failure so I continue to keep going but it's getting harder everyday. It's exhausting and discouraging. I keep holding on to hope but I want to let it go because hope makes a fool of us. The only thing left to do is choose. Do I want to be a fool or a failure?