Not Enough (OctPoWriMo2015-Day 5)

Screaming and fighting isn't enough to keep me away from you

Crying and hard feelings aren't strong enough to stop this feeling

Because it's always you I run to, no matter what you do

As much as I hate you, there's always a feeling of love I'm concealing

Heartbreak and discomfort doesn't stop our world from going round

Painful words and blows won't kill our moments

Because I hear so much even when you don't make a sound

When you're too angry to speak, you're never my opponent

Because this is what true love looks like

Even during the worst times

We fight

For us, for who we want to be, for who we are together...

The prompt was based off of a line from Taylor's Swift's song "You Are In Love". It's actually my favorite part of the song and I would always play it over and over which is why I found it funny to be the prompt for day 5. 

"You understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars

And why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words"-Taylor Swift

Battered and Shattered (A Poem From Peyton's POV + New Scene From RED)

It's another week which means it's time for another poem from a character's point of view. This time I'm choosing to write a poem from the point of view of the main character in RED. This is a poem by Peyton (Taylor and Peyton's daughter) after she has an altercation with one of her beaus. It's called Battered and Shattered. If you missed the poem from last week from Mason's POV, you can check it out here.

Sitting on the hard, cold ground alone

Scared, battered and shattered

I don't know who I am

I have no one to call

And the night is black

I'm just scared, battered and shattered

They're asking me questions

That I don't have the answers to

Alone, battered and shattered

My tears do the talking for me

Words won't come out my throat

I'm alone, battered and shattered

I've made my mistakes

But do I deserve this?

 Confused, battered and shattered

My blood runs red

And my mind is running wild

I'm confused, battered and shattered 

"Tell me your name"

"Do you have any family?"

Just leave me battered and shattered

I've come this far on my own

No one to guide me

He left me battered and shattered

Here's the scene from RED, Battered and Shattered was inspired by. Hope you enjoy it and remember RED will be released this Valentine's Day!

I don’t recognize myself. It’s more than that bad. It’s horrific. I become speechless and let my tears do the talking for me. I want to let something out. I want words to come out of my mouth. Suddenly, I hear screaming, a female’s voice that echoes through the night. It takes me a while to figure out that it’s my own. I can’t believe he did this to me.

The police and ambulance arrive as Robyn tries her best to console me. This can’t be happening. This can’t be real. I must be dreaming. An officer and a paramedic run up to me and bombard me with questions that I can’t answer right then. The paramedic walks me over to the ambulance and sits me in the back of the truck. He shines a light on my face and gently touches it.

“The most we can do is treat these wounds. You have a contusion on the upper left corner of your face but you’ll heal. Let’s get you to the hospital. You’ll need X-rays and the police can take your report there. Do you have anyone we can call?”

I nod my head yes and he calls the police officer over to the truck. They all look so sympathetic. I wonder if they all have daughters and are imagining what if this happened to them. I’m afraid to witness what Mason would do.

“I’m going to need a phone number, your mom or dad?” the officer says trying not to look too concerned.

“I don’t have a mom or a dad, just cousins.” I speak lowly in a monotone voice.

“I’m going to need someone’s number,” he replies.

“I tried to call Adalyn. She’s my cousin’s wife but she didn’t pick up.”

“What about your cousin?” he asks now seeming concerned.

“He’s in California on business.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what. Give me both of their numbers and I’ll try my best to contact them.”

I give the officer all of my information and he says he’ll follow me to the hospital to get the report after I’ve been fully examined. I lie back on the stretcher as the ambulance drives away from the dark and lonely street that has drops of my soul scattered on it.

I try to close my eyes but every time I do I see the image of Marcus. I’m not a crier but lately my emotions seem to be taking control of me. The ride is silent and I’ve never felt so alone in my life. How do I fix this? How do I walk into school? What will Mason and Adalyn think? God, I don’t want all of these answers at one time because that means there will be problems to go along with it.

Dreaming Alive (A Poem From Mason's POV)-New Scene From RED Included!

As most of you already know, RED will be released on February 14, 2015. I thought it was clever to release it on Valentine's Day since the name of the book is RED and...well...you know! Anyway, along with a new character profile every month, I'll also release a poem that is inspired by a scene or page from RED. I think it's a good way to help readers gain a better understanding of the emotional effects certain scenes have on the character. The first poem is called "Dreaming Alive" and it's from Mason's point of view.

Last night I dreamed of you while I was awake

And I prayed to the Lord my soul He'll take

Just so I can be back with you

Do you know what it's like to dream while alive?

To see the damning images deep inside your mind?

But it was worth it because I was with you 

The sparks in your eyes, they were still there

But the fire spread and you disappeared

I'll burn all over again just for you

My eyes are wide open and my heart has been closed

I can't love another because you're all that I know

And I wouldn't have it any other way because of you

I tasted your mouth and you tasted mine

I think we forgot all about the time

But life always worked that way with you

Last night I dreamed while I was alive

But in reality you were on the other side

What I would give for you!

Because last night that dream brought me alive...

Here is the scene from RED, Dreaming Alive was inspired from. It's a scene where Mason dreams of his lost love Taylor (from A Tragic Heart).

 ***

Every time I try to close my eyes, I see her. I keep trying to think of something new, but she won’t get out of my head. Sixteen years and she still haunts me.

I wake up to the smell of breakfast so I quickly get up and brush my teeth. I practically rush down the stairs before something stops me in my tracks.

“Hey, make sure your dad is up. I know how much he hates having to heat up food,” I hear her voice say from the kitchen.

I’m afraid to walk in and be disappointed. It couldn’t be. Is it all a dream? Did it never happen? For a second I feel relieved but then realize that when I open the kitchen door it wouldn’t be her.

I stand in front of the kitchen door for a while before pushing it open. I close my eyes and say a short prayer before viewing what’s in front of me.

“Never mind!” she calls out. “You’re right on time,” she says with a beautiful smile. The smile that’s been imprinted in my mind since the first day we met.

“The smell woke me up,” I say relieved that she’s standing there in front of me again. “Is this real?” I ask her a little confused.

“Last time I checked,” she sounds just as confused as I feel.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” I say touching her beautiful face.

“I won’t. We were young before, it’s different now. I love you.”

“I love you too. I always have and always will.”

She leans in and kisses me passionately. We almost get carried away but the smoke that fills the air reminds us that she’s cooking.

“SHIT!” I yell opening the kitchen window and turning the fan above the stove on.

She laughs a little and tells me to watch my mouth. I stare at her for a long time before she acknowledges it.

“What? Why do you keep looking at me like that?” she asks never wiping that smile off of her face.

“I just had this terrible dream,” I say unable to take my eyes off of her.

“What was it about?”

“I don’t want to bring it up again, but I dreamed that after Peyton died you fell into this deep depression and…” it’s hard for me to say it even though I know that it never happened, “you asked me to watch Peyton for a while, and you never came back. You left me in the worst way possible. I found you on your apartment floor covered in blood. It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”

She doesn’t say a word. She just looks at me with glossy eyes as if she’s trying to hold back tears.

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to bring it up again,” I say before reaching out to touch her.

She moves away from me and tears fall from her eyes.

“If I knew you loved me this much I would’ve never done it. I regret it every day,” she says through her tears.

I don’t understand.

“I’m confused, what are you talking about?” I ask still trying to move closer to her.

“I would have given you a second chance. You deserved it. I ruined her. I ruined everything! You’re doing such a great job, Mason. It’s not your fault. You’re not the reason why she’s so angry. It’s all my fault! I just wanted to see him again but now I’m stuck!”

She moves back towards the stove and I yell for her to move out of the way. The stove catches fire without good explanation and quickly spreads across the kitchen forming a barrier between us. I try grabbing her to pull her with me but I can’t get to her.

“Don’t leave me!” I yell back at her while reaching for her hand. “Please! Don’t leave me again!”

I jump out of my sleep more startled than I’ve ever been. I look over at the clock and see it reads 5:45 am. I quickly get up and walk to Peyton’s room. She still isn’t home. The hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end and I can’t relax. I walk into the den on the top floor and try to relax by watching some TV. I can’t get that dream out of my head. I say a short prayer and whisper to myself, “Baby, wherever you are, I hope you’re safe and happy.”

 

New Light (OctPoWriMo2014)-Day 31

At the end of a journey

Just to start a new

The things I've learned

Can be summed up in few

Patience, creativity, and perseverance 

Things I need to be a better me

Who knew it would come from writing?

Who knew a challenge would be the key?

The wheels started moving

They cranked and they turned

For 31 days 

I let my mind burn

But in the best way possible

Because I found a new light

Some great new ideas

That I'll work on at night

So until next year

I have to get back to work

Share some new inspiration

And enjoy all the perks 

This Love (OctPoWriMo2014)-Day 29

I'm definitely unsure

You're positively immature

And I don't see how this is going to mix

Plus, there's not much we can fix

You're a red light and I'm passing go

I'm a free flight and you're...I don't know

But somehow this love is real

When it probably should be sealed

We're dysfunctional 

Yet untouchable

But we wouldn't give it up for the world

I'll choose you as my guy...me your girl

But this can't be good for our health

But what do I do when you're worth my wealth?

Maybe that means I don't have much

But I still love the feel of your touch

This love sometimes may suck

But this love is us

 

 

Self Expression (OctPoWriMo2014)-Day 10

Growing up was hard knowing I was different

I was up and then I was down

But it only took a matter of seconds

I was a ticking time bomb that didn't make a sound

 

When I was 16 the doctor said

"You suffer from depression and anxiety"

For the first time I felt relieved

Now I had the answer to my inner rivalry

 

So I embraced my dark side

And put a couple of strings of light around it

Then called it "self expression"

That's when I knew it was as good as it gets

 

So I swallowed my little blue pill everyday of the week

And the marks on my arm let everyone know I was insane

I let them stare, talk, and laugh

After all, life is nothing but a fatal game

 

Now I ink my skin and travel the world

Because I learned that life is too cruel to not do what you please

I call it self expression

And I'm the owner of the master keys

Today is world mental health day. Don't forget to show some affection to those who need it most!

 

 

 

 

 

Wreck Me

Lying where you left me simply because you wrecked me

They say you've changed 

But I'm stuck like this

Just the way you wrecked me

You can be sorry but I'm still broken

And wrecked...

I used to have hope, faith, and dreams

I used to see things for more than they seemed

But you wrecked me...and I'm stuck here!

So go ahead and be sorry because I'm still wrecked!

I'm not who I used to be and neither are you

But it only turned out well for one of us

Because you're better and I'm not...who I used to be

You wrecked me

Be sorry...

One Winged Siren

Broken and cold

Or is it broken and old? 

It's an emergency and no one's around

No one's coming & I can't be found

The air is freezing

And my soul's pleading

I want so badly to go numb

But somehow the pain is fun

It let's me know I'm alive

But, how I don't want to be

I'd rather die than suffer a broken wing

Flight is impossible

Or is it implausible? 

Either way no one answered the call

No one heard my fall

No one answered to the sirens

My breathing's getting heavy and lighter

God knows, I've never been much of a fighter

So, here I am getting older yet nothing changes

I'm drowning in my own weight

Or is it my own burdens?

From down here it all looks the same

High up and impossible to reach

But something's telling me I should practice what I teach

Maybe I can save that for another day

Maybe when things start to go my way

Whatever that means...

I already crashed and I'm waiting to burn

Maybe some flames would do me some good

Maybe the flames will catch their attention

I doubt that 

They're all consumed in their world

And all I have is this one winged siren

All I have is a piece of broken hope

But somehow that has to be enough

Because if it's not...

Too Far Gone

Here is a poem that I written a while ago (probably in 2010). I know I was only 18 when I wrote it. It's written in permanent marker on my bedroom wall (along with many song lyrics and quotes). It's called "Too Far Gone" and at the time I considered it one of the best pieces I've ever written. It's about how people tend to judge our actions but never ask why we reacted the way we did. I always felt like that was one of the most unfair aspects of life. We all have a story and we all are the way we are for a reason. No one decides to wake up in a bad mood and no one turns out the way they are simply because they felt like it. There's more to everyone and I think that people should always remain mindful of that. Basically, it's for anyone who has ever felt misunderstood (which is everyone).

What do you do when you believe

But your faith isn't strong?

When you do the right thing

But it ends up wrong?

I'm walking around this empty space

Leaving pieces of me all over the place

And it's not good enough

No, it's never good enough!

And no one ever stops to get it

Just how painful it is

To be twisted up on the inside

To have nowhere to hide

And you're wrong when your finger's up in the air

But they're right when they judge the unfair

And no one seems to notice

How tragic you really are

And no one seems to really care...

Split Your Heart, Not Your Tongue

This is a song that I wrote almost a year ago while I was sitting in my History of Rock Music class at SUNY Oneonta. To this day I think it's one of the most honest things I've ever written. Although times and feelings have changed since then, I felt like it was something still worth sharing. I thought of the title "Split Your Heart, Not Your Tongue" because I was tired of how we constantly hold our tongue because we're afraid of what others may think instead of pouring our hearts out honestly. Another title for this song could have been "Honesty".

Why did you let her walk alone?
How was she to know she wasn't on her own?
No one ever told her that she was more than enough
So she never even knew mattered

Someone should've told her that it wasn't that bad
Someone should've told her that's not all she had
And if someone told her that she was beautiful
Maybe she'd still be here

Do you know how hard it is to feel a God you can't see?
Do you know how hard it is to feel content when you're lonely?
Faith is an evaporated substance of hope
And trust is something that she'd never known

Someone should've told her that it wasn't that bad
Someone should've told her that's not all she had
And if someone told her that she was beautiful
Maybe she'd still be here

You let them eat her heart & spit it out!!!!
She was never good enough for the world
You should've told her she was more than just a girl

Do you know how hard it is to feel a God you can't see?
Do you know how hard it is to feel content when you're lonely?
Faith is an evaporated substance of hope
And trust is something that she'd never known

So someone should have told her so...

As I Sit...

As I sit here and write this

I realize I have nothing to say

There's nothing important

But I feel like I should seize the day

That's what the man told me to do

So I think I should follow

It's only right, right?

But instructions never leave me hallowed

Instead, I become a bitter rebel

Screaming to the top of my lungs

I don't know what I'm fighting against yet

But I'm tired of us all splitting our tongues

So I sit here and write this

With nothing to say

Somehow I just said a mouthful

But it probably won't matter today...